Anxious and Avoidant Attachment
How Our Parts Learned to Love and Protect
by Sarah Claire Colling, LMHC-QS
We don’t arrive in our adult relationships as blank slates.
We bring with us whole internal worlds — tender hopes, learned defenses, and a history of moments that shaped the way we connect (or protect) with others.
Attachment science calls some of these patterns anxious or avoidant attachment styles. Internal Family Systems (IFS) would say we have parts inside that took on certain jobs to help us survive the unpredictability of love.
Adam and I know quote a bit about this topic as we have identified these very same patterns in our own relationship. He is more of the avoidant and I lean towards a more anxious style.
In the beginning of our relationship our parts were DRIVING and we were swerving and nearly drove us off the road. It wasn’t until we were able to truly find, feel, and befriend our protective parts that we were able to heal and connect to each other on a deeper level.
I share part of our story to remind you that, YES… we all have protective parts that try to run the show in our relationships and we likely learned how to relate from childhood dynamics and patterns around us.
And here’s the good news: These patterns are not fixed identities. They’re simply strategies our parts learned a long time ago. And they can change. We are living proof.
Lets explore a little more about these two ways of relating… attachment styles… protective parts…
Anxious Attachment: The Part That Leans In
If you lean toward an anxious style, (like myself) you might notice:
A deep fear of abandonment or being “too much”
Worrying about whether someone cares as much as you do
Working really hard to make things work
Wanting a lot of reassurance, closeness, or clarity
Taking too much responsibility in the relationship
Feeling activated if someone takes space, shuts down, or pulls away
From an IFS perspective, anxious attachment often comes from a younger part that learned:
“If I can stay close, read every signal, and work hard to keep connection, maybe I won’t be left or disconnected.”
It’s not “neediness” — it’s a devoted, vigilant protector who believes its job is to keep love from slipping away. This part may have stepped in when there wasn’t consistent safety or emotional availability in your early relationships.
I believed that to be disconnected is the worst possible reality and leads to suffering and so I developed an ability to use my anxiety to motivate me to keep people close… which can often push them away… especially when you are partnered with an avoidant relater.
Avoidant Attachment: The Part That Leans Out
If you lean toward avoidant attachment, (like Adam) you might notice:
Feeling overwhelmed by too much closeness or emotional intensity (but secretly longing for it)
Preferring independence over dependence
Shutting down or pulling away in conflict
Staying quiet about how you truly feel and avoiding hard conversations
Finding it hard to trust others with your vulnerable feelings
From an IFS lens, avoidant attachment often emerges from a protector part that says:
“If I stay in control, manage myself alone, and keep feelings at a safe distance, I won’t get hurt or be rejected.”
This part might have learned early on that needing others felt unsafe, unpredictable, or even shaming. So it built a careful wall — not because it doesn’t want love, but because it once felt too risky to rely on it.
Adam believed that if he avoids true closeness and exposure to vulnerability he can stay safe and avoid rejection.
Why We Often Find Each Other
Anxious and avoidant parts often dance together in relationships.
One part leans in (“Don’t leave me”) and the other leans out (“Don’t get to close to me”). Each is trying to manage the same underlying need — safety in connection — but with opposite strategies.
And if we’re not aware of the parts running the show, the cycle can feel endless:
The anxious part protests the distance.
The avoidant part retreats from the protest.
Both feel misunderstood, lonely, and stuck.
When we were in our most unhealthy, we were doing this dance regularly and it was so painful. We both knew that we wanted to connect deeply but our unhealed parts were pushing each other away.
How Healing Happens
In both attachment science and IFS, the path forward starts with awareness and compassion — for ourselves and for the parts of our partners.
Here’s what worked for us and may work for you…
Healing might look like:
Name the part — “I notice my anxious part is activated right now” or “My avoidant protector is taking the wheel.”
Get curious instead of judgmental — Ask, “What is this part afraid might happen?”
Meet the need — Maybe your anxious part needs reassurance or grounding. Maybe your avoidant part needs space before re-engaging.
Let your Self lead — That calm, compassionate, centered presence inside you can hold both your need for closeness and your need for space.
Show compassion to your partner — Remembering the little boy or girl inside the adult partner is a game changer and having compassion for what they went through and how the protector part developed can be so very healing.
Your attachment style is not your identity.
It’s a map of how your parts learned to navigate love and safety in the past. And with gentle attention, you can help those parts feel safe enough to try new ways of relating — ways that allow for both intimacy and freedom, closeness and individuality.
We founded Bungalow Counseling to help you all, individuals and couples, untangle these cycles, meet the parts that drive them, and build the kind of secure connection we all long for. A home within that then becomes a safe place for your partner as well.
Because love feels different when our protectors can finally rest.
Very Truly,
Sarah Claire
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